WELCOME TO BUTLER STREET STUDIOS! I used to be a horror legend; bigger than Freddy or Jason, and now I am here teaching children life lessons they will probably forget before lunch. That is how life goes when you get older and the screaming changes from terror to sugar crashes. It is basically the same job as my movies, just with less fake blood, more snacks, and a lot more smiling through personal disappointment.
The set is bright and colorful, which is good for the children and also good for hiding stains from previous incidents. Usually the room smells like burning plastic, warm paint, and Squirrelly's special smoke drifting in from somewhere he swore was “outside this time.” We have a lot of fun in Butler Street Studios, as long as Smeezy does not start yelling about budgets and nobody lets the craft services pudding sit in the lights.
Every day I stand under the bulbs, wave at the camera, and try to point the boys and girls toward a better path than the one I took. Sometimes that means friendship, sometimes it means staying away from strangers, and sometimes it means learning that love can ruin your whole week. Either way, I show up, do my best, and try not to say anything the network lawyers have to hear about twice.
Friendship
This was our very first lesson, and I taught the kids how important it is to have real friends in this world. A real friend sticks by your side, tells you the truth, and helps you drag a borrowed television into a studio without asking too many questions. It reminded me of my first days in America, which were confusing, loud, and full of men making promises they could not keep.
In the end, I learned you do not need a whole crowd cheering for you if you have one true pal who will not run when things get ugly. As it turns out, one friend on your side is enough, as long as that friend is Squirrelly and he has had a little time to calm down first.
Bullying
In our first official episode, I talk to the kids about standing up to bullies and not letting mean people push them around. Some bullies take your lunch money, some call you names, and some grin at you under hot lights while they steal every ounce of attention in the room. I was just getting my start when I first ran into James Grime, so I know a little something about that kind of harassment.
The lesson is that you should be brave, use your voice, and never let a bully decide who you are. Because the real bullies are scene-stealing pirates who smile to your face, sabotage your life, and then act surprised when you stop inviting them to rehearsal.
Stranger Danger
In this episode I teach the kids never to take free candy from strangers, even if the stranger seems friendly or says they know your producer. It is an important lesson because not every smiling adult has good intentions, and sometimes the free treat is the most expensive thing you will ever put in your mouth. Children need to learn that early so they can keep all their good judgment for later in life.
Squirrelly taught me about free “candy” from a white van back in the 80s, and let us just say I did not realize how bad the candy was until far too late. So when I say be careful with strangers, I am not reading from a cue card, I am speaking from experience and several regrettable weekends.
Love
For my third episode I was planning a fresh and educational redo of my old Boofing for Bravery idea, but then an unexpected visitor to the studio knocked my whole heart sideways. So instead we talked about love, which is a beautiful feeling that also makes people act like complete idiots in front of electrical equipment. Love can make you brave, foolish, loyal, miserable, and weirdly optimistic all in the same afternoon.
The lesson for the children is that loving someone is complicated, especially when you are also in love with old habits, bad ideas, and the memory of who you used to be. Love is hard, and it gets even harder when you love two things and both of them are trying to kill you in different ways.